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An Afficianado's Help guide to influenza Remix
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2009, was the time of year from the flu. So while BakerMuse is on vacation, I'm adding 4% new material into a fan favorite an Afficiando's Help guide to influenza. My advice: Don't frolic with mince pie after midnight.
If my sources are correct, influenza (flu) originates from the Greek roughly translated as "Put Dr. Kevorkian on Speed Dial." As being a dedicated flu aficionado , I am to the flu that of a sommelier is to wine. Many a Saturday night We have staggerd across my family room looking more haggardly ill than both Mcqueen and Hoffman in Papillon. I could sense the subtle flavorings of each flu strain. Some possess a hint of nausea having a whisper of migrane. As an example, I will tell the distinction between the horrible effects Spanish Flu or the surprisingly vicious but shortlived Uber Schenectady Flu.
The Baker Clan has become a favorite host and subsequent victim in the flues because the great plague.
In my nonflu oriented friends, We have compiled a directory of the most popular influenza strains in addition to their symptoms.
1. Hugging the Porcelain God (HPG)
This flu includes a mysterious ninjatype quality. 60 seconds or so you're craving bizarre foods something like poached loin of Yak having a seaweed demiglaze, then suddenly you make like to the closest commode. This flu turns your stomach right into a massive Yak tsunami. Should you be inside the clutches with this flu drag closest futon into the bathroom and place it near the toilet. The HPG flu 's what we experts at BakerMuse call the Spew and Snooze.
This flu is indeed vile, you will end up nausea food you needed since a child like Gerber's famous strained peas and liver. The worst much of this flu is after the spewing has ended the dry heave phase begins. The stomach clearly knows you'll find nothing left to toss, but feels compelled to repeat the act continuously. One time i found my entire stomach lining inside the sink drain.
If you awaken and you feel as though a 7foot, hairy sort of Claude Akins is dancing on the chest, you have got the Saquatch. Forget about breathing my buddy because you've just exchanged lungs having a 54yearold waitress from Yuma who's singlehandedly kept the unfiltered Camel Brand alive. First, your voice will automatically lower five registers so that you just sound much like Susanne Pleshette. Then, since the Sasquatch works its way using your bronchial tubes you may commence to pay out a lung, and in many cases your body will turn completely thoroughly. North Pole Elves have their own type of this called Tinsel Lung.
As the name implies, you may too Velcro you to ultimately stained, as this will probably be a prolonged stay. This nasty virus goes straight away to your intestines and actually starts to propagate like rabbits on the triple dose of Viagra. The socalled "friendly" bacteria are damaged turning your colon in to a large part of PVC pipe. According to which version of "FITH" you will get, the variations are labeled as followed. The Howizer. This should be selfexplanatory. In reality, this is a flu best investigated with the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Caution: Keep hold of the toilet seat or else you be rocketed in to the nearest attic. The Calcutta. This awful flu combines the worst popular features of both Howitzer and also the Hugging the Porcelain God. Should you play host to this double whammy, I would suggest some asbestos diapers. Mrs. O'leary's Cow. This is actually the worst. It is a five alarm fire and you're simply located on it. You really feel just as if a thousand Habaneropeppers are partying within your lower intestine. Some conspiracy buffs believe this might be the major source of Our planets atmosphere.
This is one of the most mysterious of all flu bugs. It can be gender specific. This flu attacks the type of guys who are bubbling cauldrons of testosterone. Guys who get up a five AM, get yourself some natural hemp underwear and step out fishing without a penny greater than a bent nail and dental floss.
Unfortunately, this flu short circuits the brain and suddenly this man's very existence will be the LifeTime Channel. This man will place on a comfortable robe, sip chamomile tea watching movies with names like "The Stranger I Married," or "My Husband, my 2nd Cousin" and weep throughout it. This phase lasts approximately 72 hours. In the event the man starts referring to a desire to knit a tea cosy, call 911.
5. The WackaMole or Deja Flu
This strain in the flu begins with an instance of the sniffles. A box of Puffs with aloe is often a small investment in your cure. Then again your throat sets out to feel as if coarse sandpaper and a dry cough actually starts to emerge. So, in go the lozenges and you've only spent a $1.99 and added to the Smith Brothers coffers. Then, the cough becomes a nerve wracking hacking and finally into something resembling the mucous version of the movie Krakatoa, East of Java. Magically, the sniffles have left simply to be replaced gymnastic stomach. This is the time you start binge drinking Pepto Bismol. Take my word for this, it's not the time to accept the face. At this time, this Fire within the Hole takes over. The wackamole feature is these symptoms can be displayed in different combination whenever you want. Even weeks later when you've got what I call deja flu.
We've about 49 more of these viral personalities catalogued. I write them down all now, nevertheless the Lifetime Channel is on and I think Tory Spelling is starring.
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