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An Afficianado's Help guide influenza Remix
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2009, was the season with the flu. So while BakerMuse is on vacation, We are adding 4% new material with a fan favorite an Afficiando's Self-help guide to the Flu. My advice: Don't frolic with mince pie after midnight.
If my sources are correct, influenza (flu) comes from the Greek roughly translated as "Put Dr. Kevorkian on Speed Dial." As being a dedicated flu aficionado , I will be on the flu what a sommelier is usually to wine. Many a Saturday night We've staggerd across my family area looking more haggardly ill than both Mcqueen and Hoffman in Papillon. I could sense the subtle flavorings of each and every flu strain. Some use a hint of nausea with a whisper of migrane. As an example, Let me tell the contrast between the horrible effects Spanish Flu or even the surprisingly vicious but shortlived Uber Schenectady Flu.
The Baker Clan has become a favorite host and subsequent victim from the flues since great plague.
For my nonflu oriented friends, We've compiled a list of my favorite influenza strains along with their symptoms.
1. Hugging the Porcelain God (HPG)
This flu features a mysterious ninjatype quality. About a minute you're craving bizarre foods something like poached loin of Yak having a seaweed demiglaze, then suddenly you are making wish to closest commode. This flu turns your stomach in a massive Yak tsunami. Should you be within the clutches on this flu drag the closest futon into the bathroom and put it next to the toilet. The HPG flu is exactly what we experts at BakerMuse call the Spew and Snooze.
This flu can be so vile, you will be vomiting food you needed as a child like Gerber's famous strained peas and liver. The worst part of this flu is that when the spewing is finished the dry heave phase begins. The stomach clearly knows there's nothing left to toss, but feels compelled to repeat the act continuously. I once found my entire stomach lining within the sink drain.
In the event you awaken and you're feeling like a 7foot, hairy sort of Claude Akins is dancing in your chest, you have got the Saquatch. Forget about breathing my buddy as you have just exchanged lungs having a 54yearold waitress from Yuma who's singlehandedly kept the unfiltered Camel Brand alive. First, your voice will automatically lower five registers so that you sound exactly like Susanne Pleshette. Then, since the Sasquatch works its way by your bronchial tubes you may set out to pay up a lung, and in some cases the body will turn completely back to front. North Pole Elves their very own form of this called Tinsel Lung.
As the name implies, you might at the same time Velcro yourself to the toilet, since this is going to be a lengthy stay. This nasty virus goes straight to your intestines and begins to propagate like rabbits over a triple dose of Viagra. The socalled "friendly" bacteria are damaged turning your colon in a large portion of PVC pipe. Depending on which type of "FITH" you will get, the variations are called followed. The Howizer. This should actually be selfexplanatory. Actually, this is the flu best investigated from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Caution: Retain the toilet seat or you will be rocketed into the nearest attic. The Calcutta. This awful flu combines the worst features of both Howitzer along with the Hugging the Porcelain God. Should you play host to this particular double whammy, Chance to find the a set of asbestos diapers. Mrs. O'leary's Cow. This can be the worst. It is a five alarm fire and you are looking at it. You're feeling as though millions of Habaneropeppers are partying in your lower intestine. Some conspiracy buffs believe this might be the key source of Our planets atmosphere.
This might be very mysterious of all flu bugs. It is gender-specific. This flu attacks the kind of men who are bubbling cauldrons of testosterone. Men that get up a five AM, put on some natural hemp underwear and venture out fishing broke and alone more than a bent nail and dental floss.
Unfortunately, this flu short circuits the mind and suddenly this man's very existence could be the LifeTime Channel. This man will put on a snug robe, sip chamomile tea and watch movies with names like "The Stranger I Married," or "My Husband, my 2nd Cousin" and weep right through it. This phase may last approximately 72 hours. In the event the man starts discussing a wish to knit a tea cosy, call 911.
5. The WackaMole or Deja Flu
This strain of the flu begins with a case of the sniffles. A box of Puffs with aloe is often a small investment in your cure. But your throat starts to think that coarse sandpaper and a dry cough begins to emerge. So, in go the lozenges and you have only spent a $1.99 and put into the Smith Brothers coffers. Then, the cough gets to be a nerve wracking hacking and lastly into something resembling the mucous version of the movie Krakatoa, East of Java. Instantly, the sniffles have left only to get replaced gymnastic stomach. This is when you set about binge drinking Pepto Bismol. Take my word correctly, this isn't time to take the symbol. Now, these Fire inside the Hole starts. The wackamole feature is these symptoms can be shown in different combination anytime. Even weeks later when you have things i call deja flu.
I've about 49 greater number of these viral personalities catalogued. I write them down all now, nevertheless the Lifetime Channel is on and I think Tory Spelling is starring.
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