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An Afficianado's Help guide the Flu Remix
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2009, was the time of year of the flu. So while BakerMuse is on vacation, I will be adding 4% new material with a fan favorite an Afficiando's Self-help guide to the Flu. My advice: Don't frolic with mince pie after midnight.
If my sources are correct, influenza (flu) is from the Greek roughly translated as "Put Dr. Kevorkian on Speed Dial." As a dedicated flu aficionado , I am on the flu what a sommelier is to wine. Many a Saturday night I have staggerd across my lounge looking more haggardly ill than both Mcqueen and Hoffman in Papillon. I'm able to sense the subtle flavorings of each flu strain. Some use a hint of nausea with a whisper of migrane. By way of example, I can tell the contrast between the horrible effects Spanish Flu or the surprisingly vicious but shortlived Uber Schenectady Flu.
The Baker Clan has been a favorite host and subsequent victim in the flues considering that the great plague.
For my nonflu oriented friends, I have compiled a summary of my favorite influenza strains as well as their symptoms.
1. Hugging the Porcelain God (HPG)
This flu has a mysterious ninjatype quality. 60 seconds or so you're craving bizarre foods something like poached loin of Yak which has a seaweed demiglaze, then suddenly you make love to closest commode. This flu turns your stomach right into a massive Yak tsunami. If you're within the clutches of the flu drag the nearest futon to your bathroom make it beside the toilet. The HPG flu is the thing that we experts at BakerMuse call the Spew and Snooze.
This flu is so vile, you will be throwing up food you needed growing up like Gerber's famous strained peas and liver. The worst much of this flu is that as soon as the spewing is over the dry heave phase begins. The stomach clearly knows you'll find nothing left to toss, but feels compelled to repeat the act continuously. I remember when i found my entire stomach lining from the sink drain.
If you wake up and you feel like a 7foot, hairy form of Claude Akins is dancing on your own chest, you've got the Saquatch. Forget about breathing my friend because you've just exchanged lungs which has a 54yearold waitress from Yuma who's singlehandedly kept the unfiltered Camel Brand alive. First, your voice will automatically lower five registers so which you sound just like Susanne Pleshette. Then, as the Sasquatch works its way via your bronchial tubes you will commence to cough up a lung, and even your body will turn completely inside out. North Pole Elves their very own version of this called Tinsel Lung.
Since the name implies, you could at the same time Velcro you to ultimately the toilet, simply because this is going to be an extended stay. This nasty virus goes straight away to your intestines and begins to propagate like rabbits on a triple dose of Viagra. The socalled "friendly" bacteria are damaged turning your colon into a large area of PVC pipe. Based on which type of "FITH" you receive, the variations are called followed. The Howizer. This should actually be selfexplanatory. In reality, this can be a flu best investigated through the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Caution: Retain the toilet seat or you will be rocketed into the nearest attic. The Calcutta. This awful flu combines the worst features of both Howitzer and also the Hugging the Porcelain God. Should you play host to the double whammy, I recommend some asbestos diapers. Mrs. O'leary's Cow. This is the worst. It's actually a five alarm fire and you are clearly located on it. You're feeling just as if a thousand Habaneropeppers are partying in your lower intestine. Some conspiracy buffs believe this can be the main source of Our planets atmosphere.
This might be among the most mysterious of all the flu bugs. It is gender specific. This flu attacks the level of guys that are bubbling cauldrons of testosterone. Guys who wake up a five AM, get yourself some natural hemp underwear and go out fishing without a penny greater bent nail and dental floss.
Unfortunately, this flu short circuits the brain and suddenly this man's very existence will be the LifeTime Channel. This man will placed on a snug robe, sip chamomile tea and view movies with names like "The Stranger I Married," or "My Husband, my 2nd Cousin" and weep throughout it. This phase lasts up to 72 hrs. If the man starts discussing a desire to knit a tea cosy, call 911.
5. The WackaMole or Deja Flu
This strain of the flu commences with an instance of the sniffles. A box of Puffs with aloe is a small purchase of your cure. But your throat starts to think that coarse sandpaper plus a dry cough starts to emerge. So, in go the lozenges and you've only spent a $1.99 and added to the Smith Brothers coffers. Then, the cough gets to be a nerve wracking hacking and lastly into something resembling the mucous sort of the video Krakatoa, East of Java. Overnight, the sniffles have left only to get replaced gymnastic stomach. This is the time you set about binge drinking Pepto Bismol. Take my word correctly, it's not time to accept the family portrait. Now, this Fire inside the Hole takes over. The wackamole feature is that these symptoms can be shown in different combination whenever you want. Even weeks later when you experience things i call deja flu.
I've about 49 more of these viral personalities catalogued. I write them down all now, nevertheless the Lifetime Channel is on but Tory Spelling is starring.
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