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An Afficianado's Help guide influenza Remix
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2009, was the growing season in the flu. So while BakerMuse is on holiday, I will be adding 4% new material into a fan favorite an Afficiando's Self-help guide to the Flu. My advice: Don't frolic with mince pie after midnight.
If my sources are correct, influenza (flu) is from the Greek roughly translated as "Put Dr. Kevorkian on Speed Dial." Being a dedicated flu aficionado , We are for the flu what a sommelier is always to wine. Many a Saturday night We've staggerd across my living room looking more haggardly ill than both Mcqueen and Hoffman in Papillon. I will sense the subtle flavorings of each flu strain. Some use a hint of nausea with a whisper of migrane. For example, I can tell the among the horrible effects Spanish Flu or surprisingly vicious but shortlived Uber Schenectady Flu.
The Baker Clan is a favorite host and subsequent victim with the flues considering that the great plague.
In my nonflu oriented friends, We've compiled a list of my favorite influenza strains along with their symptoms.
1. Hugging the Porcelain God (HPG)
This flu features a mysterious ninjatype quality. 60 seconds or so you're craving bizarre foods something like poached loin of Yak with a seaweed demiglaze, then suddenly you will be making wish to the closest commode. This flu turns your stomach into a massive Yak tsunami. For anyone who is inside the clutches with this flu drag the closest futon in your bathroom and place it near the toilet. The HPG flu is exactly what we experts at BakerMuse call the Spew and Snooze.
This flu is really vile, you will be sickness food you possessed since a child like Gerber's famous strained peas and liver. The worst point about this flu is that as soon as the spewing is finished the dry heave phase begins. The stomach clearly knows there's nothing left to toss, but feels compelled to repeat the act repeatedly. I remember when i found my entire stomach lining inside the sink drain.
If you wake up and you are feeling like a 7foot, hairy type of Claude Akins is dancing on your chest, you've got the Saquatch. Ignore breathing my pal because you have just exchanged lungs using a 54yearold waitress from Yuma who's singlehandedly kept the unfiltered Camel Brand alive. First, your voice will automatically lower five registers so that you just sound exactly like Susanne Pleshette. Then, since the Sasquatch works its way through your bronchial tubes you will begin to pay up a lung, and in some cases the body will turn completely inside out. North Pole Elves their very own form of this called Tinsel Lung.
Because the name implies, you might at the same time Velcro you to ultimately the bathroom, because this will probably be a prolonged stay. This nasty virus goes directly to your intestines and starts to propagate like rabbits on a triple dose of Viagra. The socalled "friendly" bacteria are wiped out turning your colon into a large area of PVC pipe. Depending on which version of "FITH" you receive, the variations are labeled as followed. The Howizer. This needs to be selfexplanatory. Actually, this can be a flu best investigated with the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Caution: Retain stained seat or else you be rocketed in the nearest attic. The Calcutta. This awful flu combines the worst top features of both Howitzer as well as the Hugging the Porcelain God. Should you play host to the double whammy, I would suggest a pair of asbestos diapers. Mrs. O'leary's Cow. Here is the worst. It's actually a five alarm fire and you're sitting on it. You really feel as though a million Habaneropeppers are partying inside your lower intestine. Some conspiracy buffs believe this is the major reason behind Our planets atmosphere.
This may be very mysterious of all the so-called flu bugs. It's gender specific. This flu attacks the level of men who are bubbling cauldrons of testosterone. Men that stand up a five AM, get yourself some natural hemp underwear and step out fishing broke and alone higher than a bent nail and dental floss.
Unfortunately, this flu short circuits the brain and suddenly this man's very existence may be the LifeTime Channel. This man will place on a comfy robe, sip chamomile tea and view movies with names like "The Stranger I Married," or "My Husband, my 2nd Cousin" and weep all through it. This phase may last as much as 3 days. If your man starts referring to a wish to knit a tea cosy, call 911.
5. The WackaMole or Deja Flu
This strain from the flu starts with a case of the sniffles. A box of Puffs with aloe can be a small investment in your cure. Then again your throat sets out to seem like coarse sandpaper as well as a dry cough actually starts to emerge. So, in go the lozenges and you've got only spent a $1.99 and added to the Smith Brothers coffers. Then, the cough turns into a nerve wracking hacking and lastly into something resembling the mucous sort of the show Krakatoa, East of Java. Instantly, the sniffles have died only to be replaced gymnastic stomach. This is where you commence binge drinking Pepto Bismol. Take my word for this, it's not enough time to take the face. Now, the aforementioned Fire in the Hole starts. The wackamole feature is these symptoms can seem in a combination at any time. Even weeks later when you experience what I call deja flu.
We have about 49 greater number of these viral personalities catalogued. I write them down all now, however the Lifetime Channel is on but Tory Spelling is starring.
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