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 An Afficianado's Guide to the Flu Remix

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2009, was the time of year with the flu. So while BakerMuse is on a break, I am adding 4% new material into a fan favorite an Afficiando's Help guide influenza. My advice: Don't frolic with mince pie after midnight.

If my sources are correct, influenza (flu) comes from the Greek roughly translated as "Put Dr. Kevorkian on Speed Dial." Like a dedicated flu aficionado , We are on the flu that of a sommelier is usually to wine. Many a Saturday night I've staggerd across my lounge looking more haggardly ill than both Mcqueen and Hoffman in Papillon. I will sense the subtle flavorings of each and every flu strain. Some have a hint of nausea which has a whisper of migrane. For example, Let me tell the contrast between the horrible effects Spanish Flu or even the surprisingly vicious but shortlived Uber Schenectady Flu.

The Baker Clan is a favorite host and subsequent victim from the flues since great plague.

In my nonflu oriented friends, We've compiled a listing of the most popular influenza strains and their symptoms.

1. Hugging the Porcelain God (HPG)

This flu features a mysterious ninjatype quality. 60 seconds or so you're craving bizarre foods something like poached loin of Yak using a seaweed demiglaze, then suddenly you make love to the closest commode. This flu turns your stomach right into a massive Yak tsunami. If you're from the clutches with this flu drag closest futon to your bathroom and place it beside the toilet. The HPG flu is what we experts at BakerMuse call the Spew and Snooze.

This flu is so vile, you will end up vomiting food you had since a child like Gerber's famous strained peas and liver. The worst thing about this flu is as soon as the spewing ends the dry heave phase begins. The stomach clearly knows there is nothing left to toss, but feels compelled to repeat the act over and over again. One time i found my entire stomach lining inside the sink drain.

If you wake up and you're feeling as though a 7foot, hairy form of Claude Akins is dancing in your chest, you've got the Saquatch. Just forget about breathing my good friend because you have just exchanged lungs which has a 54yearold waitress from Yuma who's singlehandedly kept the unfiltered Camel Brand alive. First, your voice will automatically lower five registers so that you sound exactly like Susanne Pleshette. Then, because Sasquatch works its way through your bronchial tubes you will start to pay out a lung, and in some cases your system will turn completely really well. North Pole Elves have their own form of this called Tinsel Lung.

As the name implies, you could also Velcro you to ultimately the bathroom ., simply because this will probably be a lengthy stay. This nasty virus goes straight away to your intestines and actually starts to propagate like rabbits over a triple dose of Viagra. The socalled "friendly" bacteria are destroyed turning your colon in a large section of PVC pipe. According to which type of "FITH" you receive, the variations are labeled as followed. The Howizer. This needs to be selfexplanatory. The truth is, this can be a flu best investigated through the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Caution: Keep the bathroom . seat or else you be rocketed into the nearest attic. The Calcutta. This awful flu combines the worst top features of both Howitzer and the Hugging the Porcelain God. Should you play host to this particular double whammy, I would suggest some asbestos diapers. Mrs. O'leary's Cow. Here is the worst. It's a five alarm fire and you are sitting on it. You're feeling as though a million Habaneropeppers are partying inside your lower intestine. Some conspiracy buffs believe this might be the key reason behind Climatic change.

This might be among the most mysterious of all the flu bugs. It really is gender-specific. This flu attacks the kind of guys that are bubbling cauldrons of testosterone. Guys who get out of bed a five AM, put on some natural hemp underwear and step out fishing with nothing greater bent nail and dental floss.

Unfortunately, this flu short circuits mental performance and suddenly this man's whole life could be the LifeTime Channel. This man will put on a comfortable robe, sip chamomile tea and view movies with names like "The Stranger I Married," or "My Husband, my 2nd Cousin" and weep throughout it. This phase lasts around 3 days. If your man starts referring to a wish to knit a tea cosy, call 911.

5. The WackaMole or Deja Flu

This strain in the flu starts with an instance of the sniffles. A box of Puffs with aloe is a small investment in your cure. Then again your throat starts to feel like coarse sandpaper and a dry cough begins to emerge. So, in go the lozenges and you've got only spent a $1.99 and put into the Smith Brothers coffers. Then, the cough gets a nerve wracking hacking and lastly into something resembling the mucous version of the movie Krakatoa, East of Java. Overnight, the sniffles have ended simply to changed gymnastic stomach. This is when you set about binge drinking Pepto Bismol. Take my word for this, it's not the time to accept picture. Now, the previously mentioned Fire from the Hole gets control. The wackamole feature is that these symptoms can be shown in any combination whenever you want. Even weeks later for those who have a few things i call deja flu.

We've about 49 greater number of these viral personalities catalogued. I write them down all now, nevertheless the Lifetime Channel is on and I think Tory Spelling is starring.

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