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An Afficianado's Self-help guide to the Flu Remix
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2009, was the growing season of the flu. So while BakerMuse is on a break, I will be adding 4% new material to some fan favorite an Afficiando's Help guide to the Flu. My advice: Don't frolic with mince pie after midnight.
If my sources are correct, influenza (flu) comes from the Greek roughly translated as "Put Dr. Kevorkian on Speed Dial." Being a dedicated flu aficionado , I will be towards the flu that of a sommelier is to wine. Many a Saturday night I've staggerd across my living room looking more haggardly ill than both Mcqueen and Hoffman in Papillon. I could sense the subtle flavorings of each and every flu strain. Some have a hint of nausea having a whisper of migrane. For example, I can tell you the distinction between the horrible effects Spanish Flu or perhaps the surprisingly vicious but shortlived Uber Schenectady Flu.
The Baker Clan is a favorite host and subsequent victim from the flues considering that the great plague.
In my nonflu oriented friends, I've compiled a listing of my personal favorite influenza strains along with their symptoms.
1. Hugging the Porcelain God (HPG)
This flu carries a mysterious ninjatype quality. 60 seconds or so you're craving bizarre foods something like poached loin of Yak which has a seaweed demiglaze, then suddenly you make want to the nearest commode. This flu turns your stomach in a massive Yak tsunami. If you're within the clutches of the flu drag closest futon to your bathroom make it beside the toilet. The HPG flu is exactly what we experts at BakerMuse call the Spew and Snooze.
This flu can be so vile, you may be nausea food you'd since a child like Gerber's famous strained peas and liver. The worst thing about this flu is that once the spewing is over the dry heave phase begins. The stomach clearly knows nothing is left to toss, but feels compelled to repeat the act over and over again. One time i found my entire stomach lining in the sink drain.
In case you awaken and you feel as if a 7foot, hairy form of Claude Akins is dancing in your chest, you have got the Saquatch. Forget about breathing my pal as you have just exchanged lungs with a 54yearold waitress from Yuma who's singlehandedly kept the unfiltered Camel Brand alive. First, your voice will automatically lower five registers so which you sound just like Susanne Pleshette. Then, since the Sasquatch works its way through your bronchial tubes you are going to set out to pay up a lung, and even one's body will turn completely really well. North Pole Elves their very own type of this called Tinsel Lung.
Because the name implies, you could possibly at the same time Velcro yourself to stained, since this is going to be a long stay. This nasty virus goes right to your intestines and sets out to propagate like rabbits on the triple dose of Viagra. The socalled "friendly" bacteria are destroyed turning your colon right into a large area of PVC pipe. Based on which version of "FITH" you receive, the variations are defined as followed. The Howizer. This needs to be selfexplanatory. The truth is, it is a flu best investigated with the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Caution: Keep the toilet seat or you'll be rocketed in the nearest attic. The Calcutta. This awful flu combines the worst popular features of both Howitzer along with the Hugging the Porcelain God. Should you play host to this double whammy, I recommend some asbestos diapers. Mrs. O'leary's Cow. Here is the worst. It is a five alarm fire and you're simply located on it. You feel as though a million Habaneropeppers are partying in your lower intestine. Some conspiracy buffs believe this can be the main reason for Climate change.
This may be being among the most mysterious of all flu bugs. It can be gender specific. This flu attacks the kind of men that are bubbling cauldrons of testosterone. Men who get out of bed a five AM, got some natural hemp underwear and go out fishing broke and alone greater bent nail and dental floss.
Unfortunately, this flu short circuits mental performance and suddenly this man's very existence could be the LifeTime Channel. This man will wear a comfortable robe, sip chamomile tea and observe movies with names like "The Stranger I Married," or "My Husband, my 2nd Cousin" and weep throughout it. This phase may last approximately 72 hours. In the event the man starts speaking about a desire to knit a tea cosy, call 911.
5. The WackaMole or Deja Flu
This strain with the flu starts with an instance of the sniffles. A box of Puffs with aloe is a small purchase of your cure. Then again your throat starts to think that coarse sandpaper along with a dry cough actually starts to emerge. So, in go the lozenges and you have only spent a $1.99 and included with the Smith Brothers coffers. Then, the cough gets to be a nerve wracking hacking last but not least into something resembling the mucous type of the film Krakatoa, East of Java. Magically, the sniffles have died just to get replaced gymnastic stomach. This is how you begin binge drinking Pepto Bismol. Take my word for this, this is not enough time to accept symbol. At this stage, these Fire inside the Hole takes over. The wackamole feature is the fact that these symptoms can appear in different combination without notice. Even weeks later when you have a few things i call deja flu.
I've about 49 more of these viral personalities catalogued. I write them down all now, though the Lifetime Channel is on but Tory Spelling is starring.
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