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An Afficianado's Self-help guide to the Flu Remix
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2009, was the season of the flu. So while BakerMuse is on holiday, I'm adding 4% new material into a fan favorite an Afficiando's Help guide influenza. My advice: Don't frolic with mince pie after midnight.
If my sources are correct, influenza (flu) originates from the Greek roughly translated as "Put Dr. Kevorkian on Speed Dial." As being a dedicated flu aficionado , I will be for the flu such a sommelier is to wine. Many a Saturday night I have staggerd across my lounge looking more haggardly ill than both Mcqueen and Hoffman in Papillon. I'm able to sense the subtle flavorings of every flu strain. Some have a hint of nausea having a whisper of migrane. For instance, I will tell the difference between the horrible effects Spanish Flu or even the surprisingly vicious but shortlived Uber Schenectady Flu.
The Baker Clan is a favorite host and subsequent victim from the flues because the great plague.
In my nonflu oriented friends, I have compiled a listing of the most popular influenza strains in addition to their symptoms.
1. Hugging the Porcelain God (HPG)
This flu carries a mysterious ninjatype quality. 1 minute you're craving bizarre foods something like poached loin of Yak which has a seaweed demiglaze, then suddenly you make want to the nearest commode. This flu turns your stomach into a massive Yak tsunami. Should you be inside the clutches on this flu drag closest futon to your bathroom and set it beside the toilet. The HPG flu is the thing that we experts at BakerMuse call the Spew and Snooze.
This flu is indeed vile, you may be throwing up food you possessed as a kid like Gerber's famous strained peas and liver. The worst point about this flu is that as soon as the spewing ends the dry heave phase begins. The stomach clearly knows you'll find nothing left to toss, but feels compelled to repeat the act repeatedly. One time i found my entire stomach lining inside the sink drain.
In the event you wake and you are feeling like a 7foot, hairy sort of Claude Akins is dancing on the chest, you've got the Saquatch. Overlook breathing my friend as you have just exchanged lungs using a 54yearold waitress from Yuma who's singlehandedly kept the unfiltered Camel Brand alive. First, your voice will automatically lower five registers so which you sound just like Susanne Pleshette. Then, because the Sasquatch works its way via your bronchial tubes you'll start to cough up a lung, and even the body will turn completely inside out. North Pole Elves their very own type of this called Tinsel Lung.
Because the name implies, you may too Velcro yourself to stained, since this will likely be an extended stay. This nasty virus goes directly to your intestines and starts to propagate like rabbits over a triple dose of Viagra. The socalled "friendly" bacteria are erased turning your colon in a large area of PVC pipe. Determined by which form of "FITH" you obtain, the variations are defined as followed. The Howizer. This should actually be selfexplanatory. Actually, this is a flu best investigated with the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Caution: Keep the bathroom seat or you will be rocketed to the nearest attic. The Calcutta. This awful flu combines the worst features of both Howitzer and also the Hugging the Porcelain God. In case you play host to the double whammy, Chance to find the some asbestos diapers. Mrs. O'leary's Cow. This can be the worst. It's actually a five alarm fire and you are sitting on it. You are feeling as though one million Habaneropeppers are partying inside your lower intestine. Some conspiracy buffs believe this might be the key reason for Global Warming.
This can be among the most mysterious of all flu bugs. It can be gender specific. This flu attacks the level of guys who are bubbling cauldrons of testosterone. Guys who get out of bed a five AM, get yourself some natural hemp underwear and go out fishing with nothing higher than a bent nail and dental floss.
Unfortunately, this flu short circuits the mind and suddenly this man's expereince of living may be the LifeTime Channel. This man will wear a comfortable robe, sip chamomile tea and watch movies with names like "The Stranger I Married," or "My Husband, my 2nd Cousin" and weep all through it. This phase lasts as much as three days. When the man starts talking about a desire to knit a tea cosy, call 911.
5. The WackaMole or Deja Flu
This strain in the flu starts with a case of the sniffles. A box of Puffs with aloe is really a small purchase of your cure. Then again your throat actually starts to seem like coarse sandpaper as well as a dry cough actually starts to emerge. So, in go the lozenges and you've got only spent a $1.99 and included with the Smith Brothers coffers. Then, the cough becomes a nerve wracking hacking and lastly into something resembling the mucous version of the film Krakatoa, East of Java. Instantly, the sniffles have left only to be replaced gymnastic stomach. This is the time you set about binge drinking Pepto Bismol. Take my word for it, this is simply not some time to accept the symbol. At this time, the previously mentioned Fire from the Hole gets control of. The wackamole feature is these symptoms can be shown in different combination anytime. Even weeks later when you've got a few things i call deja flu.
I have about 49 more of these viral personalities catalogued. I write them down all now, however the Lifetime Channel is on and Tory Spelling is starring.
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