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An Afficianado's Guide to influenza Remix
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2009, was the growing season in the flu. So while BakerMuse is on a break, I am adding 4% new material to a fan favorite an Afficiando's Self-help guide to influenza. My advice: Don't frolic with mince pie after midnight.
If my sources are correct, influenza (flu) comes from the Greek roughly translated as "Put Dr. Kevorkian on Speed Dial." Being a dedicated flu aficionado , I'm on the flu exactly what a sommelier is always to wine. Many a Saturday night We've staggerd across my family room looking more haggardly ill than both Mcqueen and Hoffman in Papillon. I will sense the subtle flavorings of each and every flu strain. Some have a very hint of nausea using a whisper of migrane. For example, Let me tell the particular distinction between the horrible effects Spanish Flu or even the surprisingly vicious but shortlived Uber Schenectady Flu.
The Baker Clan is a huge favorite host and subsequent victim from the flues since the great plague.
For my nonflu oriented friends, I've compiled a listing of the best influenza strains along with their symptoms.
1. Hugging the Porcelain God (HPG)
This flu features a mysterious ninjatype quality. One minute you're craving bizarre foods something like poached loin of Yak which has a seaweed demiglaze, then suddenly you are making want to closest commode. This flu turns your stomach in a massive Yak tsunami. For anyone who is in the clutches of the flu drag closest futon to your bathroom and put it near the toilet. The HPG flu is exactly what we experts at BakerMuse call the Spew and Snooze.
This flu can be so vile, you may be sickness food you'd growing up like Gerber's famous strained peas and liver. The worst part of this flu is that once the spewing ends the dry heave phase begins. The stomach clearly knows you'll find nothing left to toss, but feels compelled to repeat the act again and again. One time i found my entire stomach lining inside the sink drain.
In the event you wake up and you are feeling as though a 7foot, hairy form of Claude Akins is dancing on your own chest, you have got the Saquatch. Forget about breathing my pal as you have just exchanged lungs having a 54yearold waitress from Yuma who's singlehandedly kept the unfiltered Camel Brand alive. First, your voice will automatically lower five registers so that you simply sound the same as Susanne Pleshette. Then, because Sasquatch works its way by your bronchial tubes you'll set out to pay out a lung, and in some cases one's body will turn completely thoroughly. North Pole Elves have their own sort of this called Tinsel Lung.
Since the name implies, you could possibly as well Velcro you to ultimately the bathroom, since this will be an extended stay. This nasty virus goes right to your intestines and actually starts to propagate like rabbits with a triple dose of Viagra. The socalled "friendly" bacteria are destroyed turning your colon right into a large area of PVC pipe. Based on which sort of "FITH" you obtain, the variations are known as followed. The Howizer. This ought to be selfexplanatory. In fact, this is a flu best investigated from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Caution: Keep hold of the bathroom seat or else you will be rocketed into the nearest attic. The Calcutta. This awful flu combines the worst options that come with both Howitzer as well as the Hugging the Porcelain God. When you play host to this double whammy, An excellent opportunity a couple of asbestos diapers. Mrs. O'leary's Cow. This is the worst. It's really a five alarm fire and you're on it. You really feel like a million Habaneropeppers are partying with your lower intestine. Some conspiracy buffs believe this may be the major cause of Climatic change.
This is being among the most mysterious of all flu bugs. It's gender specific. This flu attacks the level of men that are bubbling cauldrons of testosterone. Men who wake up a five AM, wear some natural hemp underwear and venture out fishing without a penny more than a bent nail and dental floss.
Unfortunately, this flu short circuits the mind and suddenly this man's entire life will be the LifeTime Channel. This man will place on a snug robe, sip chamomile tea and observe movies with names like "The Stranger I Married," or "My Husband, my 2nd Cousin" and weep all through it. This phase may last approximately 3 days. If the man starts referring to a wish to knit a tea cosy, call 911.
5. The WackaMole or Deja Flu
This strain in the flu starts with a case of the sniffles. A box of Puffs with aloe is often a small purchase of your cure. But your throat sets out to seem like coarse sandpaper as well as a dry cough sets out to emerge. So, in go the lozenges and you've got only spent a $1.99 and included with the Smith Brothers coffers. Then, the cough becomes a nerve wracking hacking and finally into something resembling the mucous form of the film Krakatoa, East of Java. Instantly, the sniffles have left just to changed gymnastic stomach. This is where you start binge drinking Pepto Bismol. Take my word because of it, this isn't time to look at family portrait. At this time, the previously mentioned Fire inside the Hole takes over. The wackamole feature is always that these symptoms can be displayed in almost any combination whenever you want. Even weeks later when you've got a few things i call deja flu.
We have about 49 more of these viral personalities catalogued. I write them down all now, however the Lifetime Channel is on and Tory Spelling is starring.
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