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An Afficianado's Help guide to the Flu Remix
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2009, was the time of year in the flu. So while BakerMuse is on vacation, We are adding 4% new material into a fan favorite an Afficiando's Guide to influenza. My advice: Don't frolic with mince pie after midnight.
If my sources are correct, influenza (flu) originates from the Greek roughly translated as "Put Dr. Kevorkian on Speed Dial." Being a dedicated flu aficionado , I am to the flu exactly what a sommelier is usually to wine. Many a Saturday night We have staggerd across my lounge looking more haggardly ill than both Mcqueen and Hoffman in Papillon. I could sense the subtle flavorings of every flu strain. Some possess a hint of nausea with a whisper of migrane. By way of example, I can tell the actual difference between the horrible effects Spanish Flu or surprisingly vicious but shortlived Uber Schenectady Flu.
The Baker Clan is a favorite host and subsequent victim in the flues because the great plague.
For my nonflu oriented friends, I have compiled a directory of my favorite influenza strains and their symptoms.
1. Hugging the Porcelain God (HPG)
This flu includes a mysterious ninjatype quality. 60 seconds or so you're craving bizarre foods something like poached loin of Yak using a seaweed demiglaze, then suddenly you will be making love to the nearest commode. This flu turns your stomach in a massive Yak tsunami. If you're from the clutches of this flu drag the closest futon in your bathroom make it next to the toilet. The HPG flu is the thing that we experts at BakerMuse call the Spew and Snooze.
This flu can be so vile, you may be nausea food you'd as a kid like Gerber's famous strained peas and liver. The worst thing about this flu is after the spewing is over the dry heave phase begins. The stomach clearly knows there's nothing left to toss, but feels compelled to repeat the act over and over again. I remember when i found my entire stomach lining inside the sink drain.
Should you get up and you feel like a 7foot, hairy version of Claude Akins is dancing in your chest, you have the Saquatch. Overlook breathing my good friend as you have just exchanged lungs with a 54yearold waitress from Yuma who's singlehandedly kept the unfiltered Camel Brand alive. First, your voice will automatically lower five registers so that you simply sound just like Susanne Pleshette. Then, since the Sasquatch works its way through your bronchial tubes you are going to commence to pay up a lung, and even your system will turn completely really well. North Pole Elves have their own sort of this called Tinsel Lung.
Since the name implies, you may also Velcro yourself to the bathroom ., since this is going to be an extended stay. This nasty virus goes straight away to your intestines and begins to propagate like rabbits over a triple dose of Viagra. The socalled "friendly" bacteria are erased turning your colon right into a large part of PVC pipe. Determined by which version of "FITH" you obtain, the variations are called followed. The Howizer. This ought to be selfexplanatory. In reality, this can be a flu best investigated through the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Caution: Keep hold of the toilet seat or else you will be rocketed in to the nearest attic. The Calcutta. This awful flu combines the worst features of both Howitzer along with the Hugging the Porcelain God. Should you play host to the double whammy, I would suggest a set of asbestos diapers. Mrs. O'leary's Cow. This is actually the worst. It's really a five alarm fire and you are on it. You feel just as if one million Habaneropeppers are partying with your lower intestine. Some conspiracy buffs believe this might be the key reason behind Climate change.
This might be being among the most mysterious of all flu bugs. It really is gender-specific. This flu attacks the sort of men who are bubbling cauldrons of testosterone. Men that stand up a five AM, wear some natural hemp underwear and head out fishing broke greater than a bent nail and dental floss.
Unfortunately, this flu short circuits the brain and suddenly this man's entire life may be the LifeTime Channel. This man will wear a snug robe, sip chamomile tea and view movies with names like "The Stranger I Married," or "My Husband, my 2nd Cousin" and weep throughout it. This phase may last up to three days. In the event the man starts talking about a wish to knit a tea cosy, call 911.
5. The WackaMole or Deja Flu
This strain from the flu commences with a case of the sniffles. A box of Puffs with aloe is often a small purchase of your cure. Then again your throat starts to feel like coarse sandpaper as well as a dry cough starts to emerge. So, in go the lozenges and you've only spent a $1.99 and put into the Smith Brothers coffers. Then, the cough gets a nerve wracking hacking lastly into something resembling the mucous version of the video Krakatoa, East of Java. Overnight, the sniffles have left simply to changed gymnastic stomach. This is the time you set about binge drinking Pepto Bismol. Take my word because of it, this is simply not the time to accept family portrait. At this stage, the previously mentioned Fire in the Hole gets control. The wackamole feature is the fact that these symptoms can be displayed in any combination at any time. Even weeks later when you experience a few things i call deja flu.
I have about 49 more of these viral personalities catalogued. I write them down all now, however the Lifetime Channel is on and Tory Spelling is starring.
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